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THE FOOD IS ON MY BACK

11/28/2021

4 Comments

 
Picture
I have been blessed with nearly 13 months of a pretty easy abstinence. But in the last few weeks, the food has been "on my back," or rather, on my mind. Am I spiritually unfit? Have I been skipping too many meetings, or not doing service? Am I not praying hard enough?

Sometimes my brain forgets that I’m an addict, and thinks that if I just did more, or was smarter, things will go my way. But now I don’t think the answer is to try harder. My will power can only do so much, and I am completely powerless over food. There is one who has all power, and that one is my HP.

Sometimes my HP speaks through other people, such as my sponsor, who reminded me that I have been experimenting with a zero calorie sugar substitute. It is much sweeter than table sugar, but it has no carbohydrates, calories, or artificial ingredients.

​No calories! Sounds great to me! So much so that I have added this ingredient to my daily tea, or twice daily tea, or five times a day tea…and more tea.

Yes, I am an addict. If it tastes sweet, I want it, and I crave more, and more, and more. So for my next experiment, I have stopped using the sweetener for the past six days, with the hope that being off of it will eventually stop my food cravings. So far I’ve observed that I’m not enjoying my tea as much, and the food cravings are still there. This is an awkward time.

What am I doing to stay abstinent? There’s no magic formula. I make outreach calls. I go to meetings. I talk with my sponsor, and with my sponsee. I ask my HP to let me be of service. I’m writing a guest blog. I pray a lot, asking my HP for relief from the cravings, asking for the gift of abstinence one minute at a time. So far, I continue to get the gift of imperfect abstinence, and I am grateful.

I wish I could say that the cravings are gone, but they are not yet. But the OA fellowship is here, meetings are here, the phone is here, and my HP is here. I am not alone. And for the moment, while writing this blog, the food is not on my back. I am grateful for that, for my HP, and for all of you who are on this journey with me.
​
DJR - Guest Blogger - Oregon

PLEASE DO NOT INCLUDE LAST NAMES IN BLOG POST COMMENTS
4 Comments
Beverly
11/29/2021 12:29:36 am

Thank you, DJR, for your share. There have been times food cravings have returned for me. It's important for me to not panic or think my whole program must be terrible. That gives me space to ask for help and step up my program a bit if need be.

Reply
Jan
11/29/2021 11:04:25 am

Thank you for this post. I relate very much to the desire for sweet, more sweet, and the food on my back when I wish I were at long last cured!
I am making provision today for a workable abstinence!

Reply
Lesley K
11/29/2021 04:46:33 pm

Thank you, DJR, for your honesty. Life happens. Cravings happen. But we have the tools and the steps to deal with it and stay in recovery!

Reply
Bethany B
12/1/2021 07:30:24 am

In the last two years that I've been in recovery, I've only had that siren call of food a couple of times. It always leads me to question myself: am I doing enough, do I need to try harder? But the truth is, I need to surrender more. When I listen to my HP's voice, I know what I need to do (and not do) to continue to recover one day at a time. Thank you for your share.

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