Even after over 25 years in OA, having worked the steps many times, and having reached a healthy body weight, I struggled with loathing my body. I hated parts of my body. Not all of it. I liked my hair, my eyes, my lips. I valued and accepted my strong arms, legs, and back. I despised, however, my squishy stomach, muffin top, and bulbous underarm boobs. No matter how thin I got, I needed to lose just a little more weight. Maybe if I did, these troublesome bits of me would melt away.

A few years later, my weight had crept up, despite the fact that my believed my food was in order.  I had regained 38 of the 98 pounds I had lost.  As I looked back on photos of myself at my lowest weight, it dawned on me that even then I had hated these parts of my physical self. My change in weight, whether up or down, did not change my perception or attitude.

I immediately was given an insight from my HP: this issue was not about my body. It was about my perception and attitude. I knew in my heart that I would always find myself unacceptable until I chose in my heart of hearts to accept and love myself just as I am. When I turned 55, I looked back wistfully at how I looked at 40. I suddenly knew that I would do the same thing when I turn 70, looking back at my 55-year-old self. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Since then, with the help of my sponsor and my higher power, I have focused on being mindful about how I choose to think of my body, being aware of the words I use to describe how I feel about my physical self. I will not tolerate any negative energy directed by me at my body. My attitude has changed. I still have a squishy stomach, muffin top, and underarm boobs. I don’t (yet) love them. But I don’t hate them either. They just are. I am a package deal. Thanks to this program, I like me as I am today.

Anonymous 
Guest Blogger

At a recent workshop, I was reminded that the world is full of different body shapes and sizes, and that in our fellowship, abstinence is as varied as the ways we each act out our compulsive food behaviors. What keeps me sane can be the downfall of another. The fact that we can each define our own abstinence is one of the miracles of the program. Since we all act out our addiction in different ways, what works to free us from our compulsion will also look a little different for each of us.
 
Many of us would agree that what one person defines as "sober" eating can send another into relapse. So why do we not share the same sentiment when it comes to body size? Why do we judge those as "not abstinent" when their size does not match our personal vision of physical recovery?
 
As an anorexic/bulimic and over exerciser, I was brutal to my body, trying to get it to stay at a size that I had decided was "right-sized." In recovery, I found that I had a very hard time letting go of what physical recovery looked like for me. What program has taught me, through working the Twelve Steps, is that this is a program of action. I do the footwork and leave the results to my Higher Power. And that includes my physical recovery. My abstinence is sober eating, which to me means putting food in its proper place. I feed my body the nutrition it needs to be healthy so I can do HP's will for me as I walk through my day. Sober eating also means that I do not use food or compulsive food behaviors to avoid my emotions or escape from life. I live life on life's terms. And I leave the results to HP. I trust my Higher Power to take care of the size of my body - the one that I was born with. Not the one I tortured myself to try to obtain. Freedom from the obsession includes letting go of my vision of what a right-sized, abstinent body looks like. The size of my clothes or the number on the scale does not matter. If I am eating a sober meal plan, then I am abstinent.
 
When I came into program, one of my core beliefs was that the size of my body determined my value to the world. What program has taught me through my step work is that the size of my body does not reflect my worth to this world, and neither does it define the depth of my recovery. My value to the world is based on HP's will for me: to be of service to others. Program promises me freedom from food obsession, and a life of usefulness. It does not promise to make me a certain size or shape.
 
Love and tolerance is our code. (I prefer love and acceptance, myself.) Love and acceptance includes our own bodies, as well as those of our fellows, regardless of shape or size.
 
Alice W. – Region 1