I wanted my first blog to be uplifting, something insightful, beautiful, inspirational. But that’s not where I am at today. Today, I am struggling. When I first came to OA, I thought I was at the lowest point in my life. It was easy to admit my life was out of control and that I needed help. I wish I could say that my journey in OA was solid from that point forward, but I would be kidding myself and lying to you. No, I dragged my feet, tried to do the program my way and was selective about what advice I would follow, and not surprisingly, I did not recover. Truth be told, I am still not recovered. Today, I am abstinent by the grace of my HP and I am grateful because in the last year alone, I have been arrested and briefly incarcerated, homeless, my wife filed for divorce, and two of my kids are choosing sides and not talking to me. And I don’t think that things are going to get better from this point forward. I might lose everything, my home, my dog, my job. I am scared to death. But I am not compulsively overeating. No, I am maintaining and working toward a healthy body weight. So that is a miracle. And if this miracle is possible, maybe HP has something in store for me that I can’t see either. Because when I was 355 pounds with diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, I didn’t believe that I would be alive to see my 50th birthday next month. I hope I do make it. But you know what, I am not alone in this journey. I have my
OA family praying for me and encouraging me. I still make mistakes and I owe amends, I am far from perfect. I am just another member of OA who found that service is a lifesaving tool. So for Today, I will trust in my HP a little more, I will admit my mistakes and make amends, and I will survive another day.

​James G. Second Vice Chair

​As I sit here on a beautiful, sunny Sunday in Seattle knowing that this blog post is due, I am feeling grateful for the type of recovery I have today. I’m not anxious that I won’t get it done or that it won’t be perfect (what does that even mean anyway?). Everything used to be black and white for this sugar addict. And what do I mean by the “type of recovery I have today”? I mean that the phrase “like a loose garment“ feels really applicable and true for me in this moment. Not that there haven’t been other times in my almost 6 years of sobriety in OA that have felt similarly but this feels like a new, deeper, sensation.

What do I attribute this sense of ease and peace to? Hmmm… well I wish it was something profound like - oh I don’t know- I have learned the secret of inner peace ….it’s pickle ball!!! 

But honestly, I think it’s just continuing to put 1 foot in front of the other in recovery even when I don’t want to. One of my favorite phrases is “I can be willing to do something I don’t want to do“ - often that’s the case. And I’ve learned to call that willingness grace. I’m on a streak of regular meditation right now and as much as I don’t understand it, 10 minutes of meditation can really change how I react toward people and events in my day. I also still make time for 3 to 4 meetings a week, and I am really fortunate to be able to do that -  even on mornings when EVERYONE IS ANNOYING ME AND I DON’T LIKE THE WAY THE MEETING IS BEING LED AND THAT PERSON IS MAKING ME FEEL FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!! Oh Erinbryn. 

Most of my meetings are early morning before my day really gets started; if you had told me almost 6 years ago that I would be happy to wake up in the morning and sit in the quiet Sun rising I would’ve told you you were crazy, all while wiping last nights binge off of my sheets and clothing. My relationship with my higher power keeps growing and while I still don’t understand this power that has helped make my life manageable, easeful and yes, even SERENE some of the time, I know it’s there.  I trust that if I keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other, I will continue to have a life that allows me to feel, grow and even thrive! HP has never let me down yet.  I just have to keep practicing the trust that when things don’t go the way I THINK they should that’s probably an indication that everything is going to work out better than I could have imagined. :)

Practice, practice, practice. 
I’m so grateful for the willingness to keep showing up. 
​
Erin F. MAL R1