​My journey to a lasting abstinence was a long one. At times it felt desperate and fleeting. Yet I perservered. With the help of a Step Sponsor, a power greater than myself, and the Fellowship, last month I celebrated 27 years of abstinence from bulimia, a disease that to this day wants to destroy me. 

I spent 19 1/2 years of my life actively participating in my disease. Bingeing, purging, starving, over exercising, pills, laxatives, powders, eating only one food, and so many other compulsive behaviors were all part of the insanity of my disease--a disease which had me convinced that the ONLY way to keep the demons away and stay in control was to listen to it. There was no room for anything else or anyone else. 

When I first attended meetings regularly, I was desperate to stop. And on the days I attended a meeting I did stop. The hope and welcome I felt in the rooms kept me going for 24 hours. On the days I missed a meeting, the bulimia was back with a vengeance. Where had been my resolve? I worked up to six meetings a week. And still--no meeting, no lasting abstinence. I was not free. 

Then I finally hit the bottom I needed to work the Steps. After TWO years of attending meetings and white-knuckling it from one meeting to the next, I got a sponsor and started working the program, the 12 Steps. I wanted what she had and was willing to go to any lengths to recover. I followed directions and did the work. Some of it was heartbreaking, some of it was eye-opening, and some of it was pure joy. Most of all, it was life saving, life affirming and a reason to rejoice, for I had truly found a new way of living and a life I had never dared to imagine for myself. A life free from the grips of a disease that continues to try to regain control and one that I have no doubt will destroy me if I do not work my program on a daily basis. 

Program has taught me that I am not cured. What I have is a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition. This spiritually fit condition did not come easily to me. I struggled with putting trust in my Higher Power. The six months prior to finding lasting abstinence were in program while I was working the steps. As I worked through them the first time and continued steps 1-3 and 10-12 on a daily basis, my trust in HP grew until I was finally able to turn to HP instead of the bulimia for direction in every single aspect of my life. I didn't force it or make a vow. I took the next inspired action, turned to HP in moments of panic or indecision, one day at a time. Truthfully, at times it was one moment at a time. 

Life has not been all sunshine and roses. And that is okay because the worst day in recovery is glorious compared to my best day when my disease ruled my life. 

Now, almost thirty years later, I put one foot in front of the other, trusting God, cleaning house, and serving others. And I find myself truly free. 

Alice W.
​Region One

OA offers me a different way to live, if I choose. 

It gives me a response to things that "go wrong" (according to me) and allows me to realize that changing others is not my responsibility or obligation. 

What a relief!  All I have to work on is controlling my reaction to what is happening.  This is a LOT less work than trying to "fix" things for others. 

Things happen on HP's timeline.  Things always work out in the end, if they have not worked out yet, it is not the end.

Terri R. - Central Oregon Intergroup
​Guest Blogger

Change!   How I dislike that word — even when change is for the better.  "A place for everything and everything in its place, once and for all times" was the motto in my family home.  As an adult, change can be both exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I’m in the process of selling my home and buying a new place — the second down-size to make my physical living space smaller so that I can make my life bigger. 

So terrified —  will I be able to pack everything and be strong enough to handle the move?  Where will I put all this stuff?  I thought I had downsized when I moved six years ago!  What if my house doesn’t sell?  How will I afford two mortgages?  How soon do I have to be fully packed and ready to leave?  What if I’m still here and it starts snowing?  Yikes!!!

​And excited —  I love the open concept.  I love the sliding wood doors that can totally cover the sliding glass door.  I like the kitchen.  I like the light.  I like the cozy feel of the fireplace.  I love love love that I won’t have 14 steps to go up and down multiple times a day, especially when I’m carrying something heavy. 

But growing — in trust in my Higher Power and that my decisions are being guided by HP because I consult, pray, and listen each time a decision needs to be made.   I can’t count the number of times I have had to follow the instruction in the Big Book to "sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me.”  (Big Book, page 13)  

So many things can, and do, go wrong when one is making a big life change.  In the past, I’ve depended more on my common sense and knowledge, pro and con lists, and input from numerous friends and family when making life decisions/change.  Today, I have my Higher Power, my sponsor, and the unfailing program of Overeaters Anonymous to guide me and hold me up when terror changes to panic and cheer with me when excitement can’t be contained and needs to be shared.   I totally agree with another Big Book writer who said  "I’ve never had it so good.”  (Big Book, page 420).  

​Paula - Region One

When I was a child, the adults in my life let me down so many times that I stopped trusting them. All of them. I always believed in God, in a power that guides us and wants what's best for us, but each time another imperfect human betrayed me or hurt me, I was sure it was because I must have done something to cause God to turn his back on me. It seemed that no matter what I did, I could not win God's favor.
 
By the time I found program, I was suicidal. I had spent so many years using my eating disorder to keep my feelings at bay, while working endlessly to prove my worth and earn my place in the world. I was exhausted. I could not keep doing what I was doing, but I did not know any other way to live; I was out of ideas. The darkness began to envelop me. I could see only one way to stop the pain. Then something miraculous happened—a small voice inside told me not to give up, and I somehow found the courage to reach out for help.
 
I was in the hospital for only ten days, but those ten days saved my life. It was there that I learned about the Twelve Steps and about Overeaters Anonymous. I attended my first meeting. Something began to shift. A door that had been slammed shut began to open. I began to see that my Higher Power had been with me through everything, putting people in my life when I needed them. I had been too hurt and too afraid to accept the help that was offered.
 
I wish I could tell you that I got a sponsor right away and worked the steps. That is not my story. After I left the hospital, a year and a half passed before I found myself in my second OA meeting, and then it took me two years to ask someone to be my sponsor. She had what I wanted and I was ready to go to any lengths to get what she had. She was calm and serene. Even when life was throwing lemons at her, she trusted her Higher Power completely. When things didn't go "her way," she didn't run from her feelings. She felt them, felt compassion for herself. She got quiet, asked for guidance, and did the footwork. She looked for her part, and trusted her Higher Power to walk with her as she took the next correct action. I wanted what she had and I was willing to risk trusting someone other than myself. As we worked through the steps, my trust in her grew, as did my trust in my Higher Power.
 
OA gave me so many opportunities to trust my fellows and to let go of expectations. I practiced in these rooms, and then in all of my affairs.  Before OA, I saw people with a fearful heart; now I see people with a kind and loving heart.
 
I found a solution in the Twelve Steps and I surrendered to my Higher Power with complete abandon. I did the work and learned to trust the world again. My heart is open and I know with my entire being that my life does not need to be justified. Or earned. It is a true miracle and I am grateful every day.
 
I celebrated 25 years of freedom from bulimia this year. The road has been long and winding, yet I do not regret what I had to face, or the process, with the loving guidance of my Higher Power, because today I feel more joy and more happy days than I ever dreamed possible. All because I chose to take a chance and dare to trust again.

​If you are afraid, OA is here for you. We can help you learn to trust again. All you have to do is find the courage to ask.
 
Alice W. – Region One