At a recent workshop, I was reminded that the world is full of different body shapes and sizes, and that in our fellowship, abstinence is as varied as the ways we each act out our compulsive food behaviors. What keeps me sane can be the downfall of another. The fact that we can each define our own abstinence is one of the miracles of the program. Since we all act out our addiction in different ways, what works to free us from our compulsion will also look a little different for each of us.
 
Many of us would agree that what one person defines as "sober" eating can send another into relapse. So why do we not share the same sentiment when it comes to body size? Why do we judge those as "not abstinent" when their size does not match our personal vision of physical recovery?
 
As an anorexic/bulimic and over exerciser, I was brutal to my body, trying to get it to stay at a size that I had decided was "right-sized." In recovery, I found that I had a very hard time letting go of what physical recovery looked like for me. What program has taught me, through working the Twelve Steps, is that this is a program of action. I do the footwork and leave the results to my Higher Power. And that includes my physical recovery. My abstinence is sober eating, which to me means putting food in its proper place. I feed my body the nutrition it needs to be healthy so I can do HP's will for me as I walk through my day. Sober eating also means that I do not use food or compulsive food behaviors to avoid my emotions or escape from life. I live life on life's terms. And I leave the results to HP. I trust my Higher Power to take care of the size of my body - the one that I was born with. Not the one I tortured myself to try to obtain. Freedom from the obsession includes letting go of my vision of what a right-sized, abstinent body looks like. The size of my clothes or the number on the scale does not matter. If I am eating a sober meal plan, then I am abstinent.
 
When I came into program, one of my core beliefs was that the size of my body determined my value to the world. What program has taught me through my step work is that the size of my body does not reflect my worth to this world, and neither does it define the depth of my recovery. My value to the world is based on HP's will for me: to be of service to others. Program promises me freedom from food obsession, and a life of usefulness. It does not promise to make me a certain size or shape.
 
Love and tolerance is our code. (I prefer love and acceptance, myself.) Love and acceptance includes our own bodies, as well as those of our fellows, regardless of shape or size.
 
Alice W. – Region 1 

​I am sitting here wondering why guilt wants to follow me around like a lost puppy!

This guilt, this shame, over things I should have done better, or didn’t do, or something I said, or didn’t say. 

How in the world did it sneak into my brain again?  Just when I was feeling pretty good about myself and my recovery.

I know my Higher Power, God, isn’t asking for perfection.  But why can’t I just give myself a “B” and move on some days?  Why are some of the most disparaging thoughts about who I am, seem to be on instant replay in my mind?

Well, that’s when I am reminded to go back to what I know works in my recovery.  Back to the basics. It’s a great reminder that I need to lean into my Higher Power and focus on what is true.  That is why I absolutely love the reading on January 19 in For Today:

“I have never seen a person grow or change in a constructive direction when motivated by guilt, shame and/or hate.”     William Goldberg

So for today:  "I let no one--including myself--try to shame me into changing something about myself I wish were different.  I pray to be relieved of guilt and self-hate, and to accept and like myself exactly as I am.  That is where I can begin to change.”  For Today, page 19.

Now that is a prayer I’m going to attach to that lost puppy dog of guilt to overshadow whatever else it wants to bark at me.  Thank you God for the truth that sets me free!

Nadine - Region 1