Our Eleventh Step talks about prayer and meditation. Meditation continues to be a struggle for me. In many practices, one of the first instructions is to close your eyes. Because of my childhood trauma, the idea of closing my eyes doesn’t feel safe for me right now. I feel too exposed. Too vulnerable. I used to use this truth as a weapon against myself. “You think you’re recovered? You can’t even sit with your eyes closed. What kind of an example is that?!” the vicious voice of my disease chimes in at every opportunity.
 
It’s important to note that through working the Twelve Steps with a sponsor, and some outside help, I have experienced recovery beyond my wildest dreams. For the most part, I do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I believe in my heart that my experiences can benefit others. I know a new freedom and happiness. I feel useful and I am confident in my abilities. I have talents to share.   So where is my freedom from fear of other people?
 
Program has taught me to accept myself unconditionally. I love and accept my body – a miracle for someone who has tried to starve herself to maintain someone else’s unattainable ideal. I love who I am as a person, another miracle for someone who did not believe she was worth the space she took up in the world. And, I have a self-preservation skill that, so far, I am unable to, and may never be able to, let go of. I have a strong connection to my Higher Power. I know with all of my being that HP is with me 24/7, showing me grace and direction. And still, my instinct, when I try to close my eyes to meditate, is to recoil as if from a hot flame. The miracle here is that I am not a lesser person because of it. I accept it, refuse to let the voice of my disease define me, and remain open to other ways to quiet my mind so I can hear HP’s will for me. Because that is what meditation is all about – strengthening our connection with a power greater than ourselves. How we get there doesn’t matter.
 
So, how do I meditate? I go for a walk. Because of my past, it took a lot of work to be able to walk by myself. I stay vigilant, and present, paying attention to everything that is happening around me. As I do, something amazing happens: my mind begins to clear and I hear and feel an amazing inner silence. An overwhelming sense of peace. I feel safe. And in that safety, a thought materializes that leads me to my next action. A plan forms and I can visualize the path ahead. Random thoughts start to connect and form a coherent picture in my head. As I embrace whatever was just revealed to me, I feel a deep sense of joy.
 
Does this happen every time I walk? Not hardly. As anyone with a meditation practice will tell you, reaching the stillness is not always possible every time you sit. But when it does happen, it is profound and I feel an unbreakable bond with my Higher Power.
 
When I am not able to walk and I am feeling restless, irritable and discontent, I have learned to doodle. I sit at my desk or dining room table with a blank piece of paper. In the middle of the paper I write a word. One that calls to me in the moment. Examples include Peace, Beauty, Loneliness or Heartbreak. I draw a circle or box around the word, and I start to create patterns. The patterns flow easily out of me and onto the paper as I concentrate on the word in the center. The goal again is to quiet the stories I am telling myself and find a calmness to replace the restlessness. I open my heart to HP’s message for me. If I can’t seem to find the flow, I surrender to the process and release each self-judgment as it appears. Like any new skill, it took some practice to let go of my expectations and be present during the doodle meditation.
 
The point is that however we choose to quiet our minds and open our heart to a power greater than ourselves, the only way we can do it wrong is to not do it at all.
 
Alice W. – Region One

My OA friend said, “I have an assignment from my sponsor.  Can you tell me about your Second Step experience?”  I didn’t have an immediate answer.
 
Later that week I was reading a wonderful story in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition) titled “A Drunk, Like You.” On page 405 a spiritual awakening was discussed.  Aah!  My friend had been asking about my spiritual awakening!  In the story, the writer was disappointed that he hadn’t had a “more dramatic” spiritual awakening.
 
I was transported back to 1976, when I first entered the rooms of the 12 Steps at the tender age of 26. I had accompanied a friend who didn’t want to go alone.  I had been very depressed, but didn’t know that I was about to find the answer I needed. Walking into that room is something I’ll never forget.  It felt like walking into sunshine (and it was winter in Fairbanks, Alaska). I felt loved and accepted. And I kept coming back. That was my first spiritual awakening!
 
Jumping ahead to 1987. I was no longer a member of that first fellowship.  I was desperate to lose weight. I saw an ad for Overeaters Anonymous in the paper and wondered if it could be a Big Book fellowship. Their meeting was held fifteen minutes after I got off work and only three doors away, so I brought my Big Book and found that they were starting a Big Book study that night!  It was a renewal of my spiritual awakening.  Here was where I belonged!
 
Fast forward to 2009. We had moved and moved again. I had wandered away again. I had tried other methods of weight control.  Nothing worked. I got the bright idea of going to an Oregon OA retreat to get back on the wagon, but thought that afterward I wouldn’t have to attend meetings afterward—that I’d be able to do it by myself. But I discovered at the retreat that I love meetings!

Later that year we had to move again, back to my home town of Ketchikan to care for my mother.  I found an ad for OA in the paper, but when I went to the meeting no one else showed up.  I called the paper and was told the meeting wasn’t happening and they didn’t know how the ad had gotten back in the paper.  The time and place for a meeting were provided for me, and there were many weeks of just myself attending, but slowly a fellowship has grown around me.

I pray I have learned the lesson for good that this is where I belong and where I can stay spiritually awake, growing in recovery!
 
Lesley – Region One
 

PLEASE DO NOT INCLUDE LAST NAMES IN BLOG POST COMMENTS

As I've trudged the Road of Happy Destiny, I've developed a list of words to live by. Through working the Twelve Steps, practicing these principles in all of my affairs, and giving away what was so freely given to me, I walk a spiritual path every day.
 
I work my program as if my life depends on it, because it does. This disease of mine, this addiction to self-loathing, almost killed me. It causes an obsession of the mind so strong that my symptoms took the form of self-starvation and purging everything I ate.

​The maintenance of a fit spiritual condition is the ONLY thing that worked for me. This list is the result of developing that fit spiritual condition, which I achieved through working all twelve Steps. It is evidence of the true miracle of this program. Before recovery, I was a frightened, wounded person who hid in plain sight. Now, I gladly follow the path of my Higher Power, who has led me to this marvelous way of life.
 
Do your work and you will find your list too. In the meantime, you can share mine with me.

• Choose to be kind.
• Stay open to all life has to offer.
• Say yes to adventure.
• Feel the fear and do it anyway. 
• Always remember that you have something unique to offer the world. 
• Believe you can make a difference and you will.
• Live a life of integrity. 
• Always speak your highest truth with love.
• It works if you do the work.
• Find joy in every day.
• Keep coming back. 

 
Alice W. - Region One 

In one of my meetings there is a woman who has been abstinent for over forty years. She often shares that “It is my job today to practice the Spiritual Principles of the OA program.”  
 
Step One – the Spiritual Principle is Honesty.  One of the definitions of honesty is "adherence to the facts" or "sincerity."    This seems like the perfect spiritual principle for Step One to me.   To truly understand that I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable, I needed to be honest with myself about my life. 

To be honest, I do not think I really believed Step One when I arrived in OA.  I came to OA after being in another 12 Step program for almost a year.  I could understand and believe Step Two – Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.   I had seen that step work for members of the other program.  So, when someone there mentioned OA to me in reference to my overeating, I was immediately interested in finding out more about the OA program. 
 
But I do not really think I took Step One for several years after I started coming to OA meetings.  I certainly did not get abstinent consistently until I had been in OA for about eight years. 

The bottom came after I had been living up near Mt. Hood, outside of Portland, Oregon, for about a year.  During the summer while I worked at a camp for handicapped children, I had been wonderfully abstinent.  It felt easy to be abstinent – I just ate the three meals per day they served in the dining hall, no sugar and no wheat and NO snacking. 

​Then, at the mid-summer OA retreat, I realized I really needed to be close to the OA program and to OA people to stay abstinent during the rest of the year.  I could NOT do this by myself; I was powerless over the food.  I decided I needed to move back to Portland, where there were more meetings and more OA people around me.  I could not do my life by myself.  I had to be honest with myself and with other people.  That is when my first abstinence started. 
 
Margie - Region 1

How do I keep my abstinence when everyone around me is eating so many things I’m “not supposed” to eat?  What about those food pushers?  “I made this just for you.  You have to try a little bit.” 
 
The Twelve Step program of Overeaters Anonymous tells me that my compulsion will be removed if I work the Steps and have a spiritual awakening which is sufficient to change me so that I no longer crave foods which are not good for me.  I have experienced this removal of the compulsion.  And the last several holiday seasons I have had no compulsions and no temptations.  Of course, over the years I have trained my family, so they don’t expect me to eat those things and they don’t push them on me.  I am grateful.
 
However, the first few holiday seasons I was in Overeaters Anonymous I was not free of the compulsion.  And sometimes it was very hard to stay out of the food.  I have found several things that work for me to help me keep my abstinence.  
 
First, I try to remember that my abstinence and my OA program are the things that help me have sanity and peace in my life.  I remind myself that really spending time with the people I love is much more important than the temporary high I get from the food.  I discovered that when I tell people I am allergic to certain foods, they want to know more about that and try to help by offering solutions to those things.  They keep asking questions and trying to talk me into things I know don’t work for me to eat.  I finally decided that simply saying one thing over and over works as well as anything.  I say “No, thank you” and indicate that I am full.  I can just keep saying “no thank you” over and over. 
 
Sometimes I just find some little kids and play with them; I can go for a walk and invite others to go; I can call someone (from the bathroom works well).  Sometimes I just pray or help with the dishes.  Another great trick is to help by passing out plates of the dessert--no one notices that I didn’t eat any when they see me with a plate of it in my hands. 
 
I read something this week that made lots of sense to me.  Someone shared that she tells people that she doesn’t eat foods that cause her to feel bad physically.  And she has found no one urging her to eat foods which make her feel sick.  (Those aren’t exactly the words she used but that was the idea). 
 
I need to remember how important my abstinence and sanity are to me every day one day at a time. 
​
Happy Holidays to all,
Margie - Region 1

I was thinking about the actions I need to take in this program to stay “on the beam.”  For me, my continued recovery is all about taking the next right step.  Not the next 10 steps, not the whole path.  Not the Google map with the highlighted route, just the next step.

I’m so aware of the lies I can tell myself about which step to take.  These non-truths affect the decisions that I make.  They affect my next right move.

If this program is all about action, what am I doing?  I mean, there is an entire chapter in the Big Book that says “Into Action.”  Not “Into Thinking about it.”  Not “Resting on my laurels because I’m doing pretty good right now.”

There is magic in taking action.  To me, that is a code word for:

       Me Accepting God’s In Charge!

And yet, my thoughts will go to the place of, “I want to do what I’ve been doing, why do I have to keep doing more?”

Well, one thought I’m having is that I have been given this gift of recovery, and it says on page 132 of the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous),”…we have been given the power to help others.”  Wow, what a super power that is!  I only get to have this power by continued work on the steps and taking the action as outlined in the Big Book.  This purpose, this amazing life that does not include binging and shame is a treasure that I want to share. Selfishly, I want to give it away so I can keep it.

Oh boy, I better get busy and take the next right step.  It’s so worth it!

Nadine D. - Region 1