At a recent workshop, I was reminded that the world is full of different body shapes and sizes, and that in our fellowship, abstinence is as varied as the ways we each act out our compulsive food behaviors. What keeps me sane can be the downfall of another. The fact that we can each define our own abstinence is one of the miracles of the program. Since we all act out our addiction in different ways, what works to free us from our compulsion will also look a little different for each of us.
 
Many of us would agree that what one person defines as "sober" eating can send another into relapse. So why do we not share the same sentiment when it comes to body size? Why do we judge those as "not abstinent" when their size does not match our personal vision of physical recovery?
 
As an anorexic/bulimic and over exerciser, I was brutal to my body, trying to get it to stay at a size that I had decided was "right-sized." In recovery, I found that I had a very hard time letting go of what physical recovery looked like for me. What program has taught me, through working the Twelve Steps, is that this is a program of action. I do the footwork and leave the results to my Higher Power. And that includes my physical recovery. My abstinence is sober eating, which to me means putting food in its proper place. I feed my body the nutrition it needs to be healthy so I can do HP's will for me as I walk through my day. Sober eating also means that I do not use food or compulsive food behaviors to avoid my emotions or escape from life. I live life on life's terms. And I leave the results to HP. I trust my Higher Power to take care of the size of my body - the one that I was born with. Not the one I tortured myself to try to obtain. Freedom from the obsession includes letting go of my vision of what a right-sized, abstinent body looks like. The size of my clothes or the number on the scale does not matter. If I am eating a sober meal plan, then I am abstinent.
 
When I came into program, one of my core beliefs was that the size of my body determined my value to the world. What program has taught me through my step work is that the size of my body does not reflect my worth to this world, and neither does it define the depth of my recovery. My value to the world is based on HP's will for me: to be of service to others. Program promises me freedom from food obsession, and a life of usefulness. It does not promise to make me a certain size or shape.
 
Love and tolerance is our code. (I prefer love and acceptance, myself.) Love and acceptance includes our own bodies, as well as those of our fellows, regardless of shape or size.
 
Alice W. – Region 1 

In one of my meetings there is a woman who has been abstinent for over forty years. She often shares that “It is my job today to practice the Spiritual Principles of the OA program.”  
 
Step One – the Spiritual Principle is Honesty.  One of the definitions of honesty is "adherence to the facts" or "sincerity."    This seems like the perfect spiritual principle for Step One to me.   To truly understand that I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable, I needed to be honest with myself about my life. 

To be honest, I do not think I really believed Step One when I arrived in OA.  I came to OA after being in another 12 Step program for almost a year.  I could understand and believe Step Two – Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.   I had seen that step work for members of the other program.  So, when someone there mentioned OA to me in reference to my overeating, I was immediately interested in finding out more about the OA program. 
 
But I do not really think I took Step One for several years after I started coming to OA meetings.  I certainly did not get abstinent consistently until I had been in OA for about eight years. 

The bottom came after I had been living up near Mt. Hood, outside of Portland, Oregon, for about a year.  During the summer while I worked at a camp for handicapped children, I had been wonderfully abstinent.  It felt easy to be abstinent – I just ate the three meals per day they served in the dining hall, no sugar and no wheat and NO snacking. 

​Then, at the mid-summer OA retreat, I realized I really needed to be close to the OA program and to OA people to stay abstinent during the rest of the year.  I could NOT do this by myself; I was powerless over the food.  I decided I needed to move back to Portland, where there were more meetings and more OA people around me.  I could not do my life by myself.  I had to be honest with myself and with other people.  That is when my first abstinence started. 
 
Margie - Region 1

At a workshop we held with Snake River Intergroup last year, each participant placed a question about sponsorship in our "Ask-it Basket." Then each person chose a question at random from the basket, read it aloud and shared their own experience, strength and hope on the question.  Here are some of their great shares on sponsorship:

Q. How many sponsees is too many?

• It varies depending on your life circumstances.
• You want to have enough time to give them the attention they deserve.

Q. How much in-person vs over the phone/email/text works best? 

• Virtual sponsorship works if you work it.
• A mix is great if you are located in the same geographic area.
• I meet face to face once a week with my sponsor for a "walk and talk."
• I call my sponsor every morning at a set time for 15 minutes.
• My sponsor and I do a combo of texts and calls.

Q. What makes a sponsor a "tough" sponsor?

• Talking truth is important and it may be the first time someone has heard unvarnished truth.
• Setting clear guidelines and sticking to them is important.
• Asking hard questions.
• Asking "What are you willing to do TODAY for your recovery?"

Q. What do I do with someone who can't get abstinent?

• Ask the same question as above "What are you willing to do today for your recovery?"
• Nothing changes if nothing changes...
• Suggest:  Pray for willingness...ask for help...text me before that first compulsive bite...
• Use the Before You Take that First Compulsive Bite pamphlet as a writing exercise.
• Use the 12 Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous Step One questions.
• You can't want their recovery more than they do...

Q. What if I can't reach my sponsor?

• Develop your own OA support crew.
• Have the phone  number of members of your meetings.
• Call a newcomer.
• Listen to a podcast.
• Attend a phone meeting.
• Write a letter to your sponsor.

Here are more good questions about sponsorship:

• Should a sponsee always call me or can I call them?
• What is a binge? What is a slip versus a break in abstinence?
• When am I ready to sponsor? 
• How much time does sponsoring take?
• How can I find a sponsor?
• Why should I have a sponsor?  Why should I be a sponsor?

Feel free to share your answers to these questions in the comments.  Together we get better!  

Pat and Nadine - Region 1

“Repetition is the only form of permanence the nature can achieve.”  Voices of Recovery, April 2
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I read this with a sponsee this morning.  The reading talks about the loss of HOPE, and how hard doing all those little things that recovery requires seems when you don’t have hope that anything will get better.  And how freeing those little things can become when you do have hope.  The quote itself reminds me that I need to keep doing those little things when they seem easy and when they seem hard. 

I have been in OA for over 40 years, but I have only 18 years of abstinence.  I have had years and years of up and down abstinence and relapse.  I always believed that the OA program worked and therefore I never left.  But I was sometimes convinced that I would never be able to turn to my HP enough to maintain those little actions on an ongoing basis.  I kept hoping that I could get away with not doing all that work.  Hoping that the extra food I put in my mouth wouldn’t be a problem...but it always made things worse and never better. 

I never stopped going to meetings and I kept trying to gain enough of that “secret” thing that would make the difference to keep me abstinent.  And I tried to keep doing those little things that I knew made things better-- writing, doing 12 Steps, working with a sponsor, making calls, writing down my food. 

Then one day a smart-a** newcomer arrived.  She got into program quickly and started sponsoring a bunch of people.  One day she asked me “Margie, when are you going to get abstinent?”  I realized that even though I didn’t really like her program (she was very focused on weight loss) she was actually doing MUCH better than I was.  So, I was willing to have her temporarily sponsor me.  I said, “I am willing to do everything that you are doing today. I may not be willing to do it tomorrow, but I am willing today!” And I did that.

I was not willing to do it her way for very long--maybe a month.  It was enough to get me started.  I have continued to do those little things that keep me grounded even in this strange time of isolation.

These days, I am very grateful for virtual meetings via various video apps and for phone calls.  I am grateful for walks with my dog and sunshine and spring flowers.  I am grateful for three meals a day with nothing in-between, day after day.  I am grateful for my quiet time in the mornings and my sponsor who is willing to take phone calls five days a week; I normally only call once weekly.  I started doing meditation about two years ago and it is vital to me now. I am very grateful that I don’t HAVE to do things rigidly or perfectly.

As I repeatedly do things they have become a permanent part of me and my recovery.

Margie - Region 1 
 

How do I keep my abstinence when everyone around me is eating so many things I’m “not supposed” to eat?  What about those food pushers?  “I made this just for you.  You have to try a little bit.” 
 
The Twelve Step program of Overeaters Anonymous tells me that my compulsion will be removed if I work the Steps and have a spiritual awakening which is sufficient to change me so that I no longer crave foods which are not good for me.  I have experienced this removal of the compulsion.  And the last several holiday seasons I have had no compulsions and no temptations.  Of course, over the years I have trained my family, so they don’t expect me to eat those things and they don’t push them on me.  I am grateful.
 
However, the first few holiday seasons I was in Overeaters Anonymous I was not free of the compulsion.  And sometimes it was very hard to stay out of the food.  I have found several things that work for me to help me keep my abstinence.  
 
First, I try to remember that my abstinence and my OA program are the things that help me have sanity and peace in my life.  I remind myself that really spending time with the people I love is much more important than the temporary high I get from the food.  I discovered that when I tell people I am allergic to certain foods, they want to know more about that and try to help by offering solutions to those things.  They keep asking questions and trying to talk me into things I know don’t work for me to eat.  I finally decided that simply saying one thing over and over works as well as anything.  I say “No, thank you” and indicate that I am full.  I can just keep saying “no thank you” over and over. 
 
Sometimes I just find some little kids and play with them; I can go for a walk and invite others to go; I can call someone (from the bathroom works well).  Sometimes I just pray or help with the dishes.  Another great trick is to help by passing out plates of the dessert--no one notices that I didn’t eat any when they see me with a plate of it in my hands. 
 
I read something this week that made lots of sense to me.  Someone shared that she tells people that she doesn’t eat foods that cause her to feel bad physically.  And she has found no one urging her to eat foods which make her feel sick.  (Those aren’t exactly the words she used but that was the idea). 
 
I need to remember how important my abstinence and sanity are to me every day one day at a time. 
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Happy Holidays to all,
Margie - Region 1

Each holiday season I am abstinent is sacred for me.  When I used to focus on the food, Food, FOOD, I never had time to really connect with my family and friends.  Since OA and an abstinent way of life, I have much more time to devote to making connections that enrich my life in a deeper way. Even family who may like to "talk about others" gives me a chance to let them know how much I appreciate them and move conversation into a healthier topic.  Lessons I've learned in program about listening instead of being so ready to give advice (or my opinion) have supported my effort to have deeper friendships...even within my family. 
 
I usually try to book-end (call an OA buddy before and after) holidays events so I have a quick connection to remind me why an abstinent way of life is so important every day of the year.
 
So as you head into the holiday season I encourage you to focus on the people at the event and listen to them as they speak from the heart.  It will warm their heart as well as your own.
 
In OA Service,
Sue B. - Region 1
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